I had a complete melt down this morning trying to get ready for work. I'm talking tantrum, throwing crying heap for 45 mins.... I honestly had nothing to wear. As I had thrown out (taken to vinnies) a heap of clothes last weekend after shopping on the Thursday night I hadn't actually thought about the fact I didn't have enough clothes to keep me going for a week!
I actually verbally abused myself - I felt so angry with myself for letting me get fat! It's no one Else's fault, just mine. I cannot stand looking in the mirror at the moment, it totally disgusts me in so many ways. I just look at myself and think where is me, where is that person. That's not my body.... I'm so ashamed of the abuse that my has suffered over the years because I didn't stop to think or care.
Now I do care, it's proving hard to change/remove my past from me.
I have promised myself that I will never ever do this again. I hate the way I look and feel and I know I get judged differently from others. I know what people are thinking when they are walking down the street and see me. I don't' want to be treated differently but I am.
I deserve to be treated equally and particularly when it comes to my job. I know in the past I have lost out on job opportunities, and I feel that in my job now this will be the same and I'm determined not to let that happen....
I am really cutting down my calorie intake per day. Gym everyday and and chose the best food options ie salad, vegies etc and surely it has to work.
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