I had to tell my mother something I never wanted to today, and it's not something I'm proud of. I told her what I weight now... Didn't take her long to add up that I've lost 14.5kgs, and that that made my almost 115kgs! I look at that figure in absolute disgust!
People congratulate you on your loss when you say oh yeah almost 15kgs, what they fail to realise is what that starting weight was.
She was well, mortified and horrified somewhere between the two I think. Whilst I'm sure she's happy about my weight loss so far, she certainly reinforced what I've been saying to everyone since day one " There is a long way to go"... Her words were something like " Oh Vanessa, you have quite a lot more weight to lose, you are obese! Get to 80kgs and we will talk further"... I then punished myself at the gym for what I've done to my body and self esteem.
This has been a huge part of the reason I hate going out, I hate meeting new people... I know I've lost out on jobs because I was too fat and prettier under qualified person got the job.
People look at me when I walk down the street. I know what they are thinking, and my own on estimation 52kg mother has just confirmed what I suspected - which is I'm way to fat!
Before any of you pass judgement on this there are factors to consider, that is:
1. My mother knows my history, with emotional past and food and other factors
2. she has tried for many years to get my to lose weight and stick to it, something I've failed to do time and time again,
3. She was a very overweight teenager herself and it took over a year for her to lose weight before she took it too far and become anorexic
So she does understand, and I can make no more excuses, I'm an embarassement to my family and friends, but more so myself. I have let myself down.
Realistically, I have another 40 kgs to go, I really should be losing in excess of 55kgs to be in a healthy weight. Do-able, yes long time achievement yes.
I've vowed to up my exercise to gym twice a day where possible 5 days a week. I have to stick with this and not give in no matter how much I'm hurting and fighting back tears. Once upon a time you would have found me sitting with a bag of chips, bar of chocolate and a glass(bottle) of wine, tonight I have no appetite after looking at myself in the mirror and being disgusted in what I see.
How could I possibly think that 100kgs was good, woopee I've lost 15kgs, but you know what the hardest times are to come....
Being too hard on myself, nah I don't think so - it's reality and nice comments can't save my fat bum now... Only hard work will.
2 comments:
I'd really like you to email me so we can have more of a chat. I honestly think you are being WAY TOO HARD on yourself!! You've been taking a very calm and rational approach, and now your Mum has really shaken that up. Not to say she doesn't mean well.
But honestly, gymming twice a day?? Is that realistic and sustainable? What about living life in the meantime?
I really feel for you, as I see a lot of me in you, and visa versa.
xo Katy
Stop thinking so badly of yourself!! RIGHT NOW!!
Okay so you have a long way to go - don't we all?
BUT you need to remember that you have also come a long way so far!
My mam is the same and has been getting me to lose weight for what seems like forever and she too is a small person. She also worries about my health. But she realises now that it is up to me and how I want to approach it... the other thing I have to credit my mam for is wanting to ensure that overall I am happy (not that I mentally I am happy) but generally happy in existence - if that makes sense.
Pushing yourself to extreme will only burn you out and ultimately lead to failure as I don't think you will be able to continue with such a gruelling lifestyle.. let's face it you work fulltime and spending all your spare time in the gym will become to feel imprisoning!
Deep breaths, please re-evalute your decision (punishing yourself isn't going to make it any easier! Trust me) and continue on the nice smooth journey that has led you to lose the weight that you already have....
Email me if you want to chat some more... but most importantly take care of yourself.
Jo xx
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